Exclusivity
We both remember the talk where we firmed up our commitment to be exclusive with each other. It was very hot that Sunday, after our first date. I was so happy to have you at my place again, and reveled in the conversations we were having about our lives and each other. Any time you mentioned “us”, “we”, or anything similar, my heart jumped. It was a beautiful idea, thinking of the two of us being together, and more importantly staying together. There was something special about you, something that I wanted to experience much more of. I hadn’t felt that way before – it was different from previous involvements. There was this nearly indescribable calm, an excitement about seeing you and talking to you that found me having immense trouble just speaking normally. I would stumble over my words and come off feeling awkward and exposed. My mouth would water and I would have trouble speaking and keeping from spitting everywhere, which is a weird problem to have; I would think of what to say and how to say it, but when the time came to speak, the words came out in the wrong order, and I would try to make up for it or play it off in some way. I was so nervous, but not in a negative way. While I never felt intimidated, I certainly felt that I had my hands full trying to keep all of that excitement, all of that energy neatly kept at bay while I tried to be as smooth as possible.
You were about to leave to go home, and I felt this sense of panic. We had just promised to be exclusive with one another, but what if you changed your mind? What if some other guy caught your attention, had a better car or a larger place, made more money, had a more interesting life, any number of other things where he would just be better than me? I knew I couldn’t compete with many other men, who took better care of themselves, didn’t have the past I did, had their lives together…I could only show you who I was and hope for the best, hope that you would want to stay and explore the future we could share together. No, I didn’t hear wedding bells at the time, but I did quickly realize that we could go a very long way together if things went well.
That afternoon, you talked with your sister on the phone, and even put her on speakerphone and let me talk to her. There was a feeling of permanence about that, even long before any real permanence was established between us. I know that it was only a phone introduction, but it was an introduction to your sister, a member of your family. I thought to myself, “she wouldn’t do that if I was just going to be sent away”. Jenny spoke warmly of me during that call and seemed pretty happy that you were happy to have met someone special. Reflecting on all of it that afternoon after you left, I ran around the house celebrating – we had taken a step away from anyone else and there was an “us” established a foundation to build on.