The Second Week
“Be sure you know what you are doing”, I kept thinking to myself. We had a successful date and expressed the desire to be exclusive with each other, all within ten days of meeting one another. I couldn’t get over the fact that we had been strangers two weeks before, and that it all began with drinks at the wedding of mutual friends. The fear started to creep in that one of us might begin to think that it was a one night stand that went too far…so, I sat down and tried to settle that question with myself. I thought on the question of substance: was there something real between us or was it physical desire? You were (and still are) a beautiful and highly desirable woman who could probably have her pick of men without a lot of fuss about it, so was I just seizing the moment?
Some of the journal entries I wrote at the time revolved around thoughts like that, my attempts to be absolutely certain about what I was doing, what I wanted with you. If I had discovered without a doubt that it was anything less than genuine, then I would be compelled to tell you and the whole thing would end there. After diving into those thoughts, I felt strongly that this was all real, it was really happening, and that I truly wanted all of you, not just the good feelings or the great sex. There was much more to explore and experience; the desire was on multiple levels and had many flavors. It wasn’t love yet, but it was something that could grow into true love. The time I had spent examining myself throughout 2015 had returned to the question of what it meant for me to fall in and be in love with someone, down to the question of where that began. I settled so many questions over the nature of genuine attraction and what I believed I would feel. With you, I had emotions that were far beyond any expectations I had before.
With that settled, I could move forward with confidence. The next date and our next weekend was coming up, and I wanted to show some of that confidence. The problem I had with using the English language around you persisted, but I was getting the hang of it. I wanted to know more about what you thought, how you felt, where you wanted things to go and how quickly, but I wanted to be careful not to appear to be desperate or to rush you. The earlier revolution of thought established that if I wanted to be happy with someone, I needed to take my time and relax – with you, it was time to put that into practice.
It was during that week that you started hinting at wanting to be officially together. The hints were small at first – I remember a conversation where you said you already saw me as your boyfriend, which was followed by a plead to yourself to slow down – but later hints were more direct. “I’m just waiting for you to ask”, you said during our weekend together (August 14-16). Once you said that, I started to think of how and when to ask you. Honestly, I hadn’t asked anyone to be my girlfriend in a very long time. Even my last relationship was more agreed upon than formally asked, and that was seven years before you entered my life. Whatever was going to happen, I felt the need to act quickly, lest you begin to believe that I was avoiding commitment.