That First Week
I remember thinking, “be sure you know what you are doing.”
At the time we met, I was very big on having some idea what I wanted from a woman before things developed too far. Due to the nature of how we met, there wasn’t much time for forethought, although I knew I wanted things between us to go somewhere. I remember you asking me if I was looking more for a relationship or fun, and my answer was that I was keeping things open, but leaning more toward the relationship side of things. That was because I really didn’t want you to go running if I came out definitively on the relationship side of things – experience taught me to keep my cards close to my chest, and I really didn’t want to screw it up with you!
So, that first week. After our first night and the following day, the mind was on fire with ideas. What to say next, how to keep things going, what outfits I could wear for you, how to avoid just showing off and being genuine, etc. You had already made quite an impression on me at the time as a strong and vivid woman, so much so that I felt the need to try and keep up with you. The first text you sent on August 3 – the Monday afterward – said, “sending smiles your way”, with a picture of you attached. I was so excited, but nervous that I’d screw up the reply. “Calm the fuck down”, I kept thinking. “Be sure you know what you are doing.” That led to the next series of thoughts, on being honest with myself about what I wanted with you. Did I seriously want a relationship? Did I still want to keep things casual and date around, or do whatever the hell I thought I was doing at the time? What was the general direction? All of these things needed to be settled as soon as possible, because no one should be led on in one direction only to find that they are alone in what they expected.
As we kept talking and exploring more of each other’s interests and personalities, I couldn’t help but be more excited about you and the possibilities. The energy was so intense – a few nights, I just paced around my living room with my phone on the table, muttering things to myself about how to respond to the last text you sent, how to strike the right tone, and so on. It didn’t take more than a few days for all that excitement, that drive to completely overwhelm any possible sort of control I had over what I was saying and how I was saying it.
Leading up to our first date, I settled that I knew I wanted a relationship with you, but that I should be prepared in case you did not. There was no backup plan (meaning a girl or girls kept on hold until I was sure things between us would take off) – in fact, I dismissed or otherwise sent off those who suddenly made themselves known after August 1st to clear the way forward. The dating profiles on other sites were going to be shut down, but I thought I would give one last effort at a redesign, which I finished by Wednesday, August 5th. That had two purposes: using the new picture of the silver suit I wore to Shane & Rosie’s wedding, and if you found me on OkCupid I wanted to strengthen any chance I had with you.
I told Rue, Christi, Candice, and my mom about you, or at least the general details – your name, where we met, that I was excited about you, and that we had a date coming up. The first three got the full story, and mom got the cleaned up version, because I didn’t want to give the wrong impression about you. I knew Rue, Christi, and Candice wouldn’t think less of you for going home with me a few hours after we met, nor would they allow that fact to affect any further impression in the future. It wouldn’t have mattered to mom either, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. As far as fb friends were concerned, something positive was going on with me, but they weren’t sure what it was. I didn’t want to jinx it by being incredibly open (again, experience), and the fact that you and I were friends on that site fairly soon after we met was another factor to consider. I was careful about what I posted, not only about you and me, but in general. It was a balance between being who I was and reeling in some of the more excessive statements that you would have to know me a bit better to understand.
Pulling up to Flips that Friday for our first date was tense. I was as ready as I could be, but I wanted it all to be perfect. After sorting through six shirts, I settled on my hamster jet engine one, because it was amusing and nerdy without being arrogant about it. The hat was an afterthought. I was nervous about being sweaty, which only made me sweat, so it became a vicious cycle. Eventually, it was time to step into the light – sitting in the car longer wouldn’t help anything. So, I changed shirts, let you know I had arrived, and got out of the car.